Hanging out on my bed, as per usual these days. I'm not gonna lie, it seems to actually be working. I am still very much pregnant! And actually feeling a little bit better these past few days. The last two weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster--at one point they started talking steroid shots which propelled me into panic mode (the next day my symptoms were better, so we didn't have to do that)--because that sort of means they really think your baby is going to be born soon. I would lay awake at night and think about what it means to be sick and what it means to have your baby be skinny and tiny and sleep in a hospital for weeks on end; I would worry and worry about all of the little things I couldn't control like how to adequately line up childcare for emergency situations or prepare a 4.5 year old for her world to change drastically or reassure my anguished parents half-the-country away that I really am OK and they don't need to hop on a plane. Yet.
I would go into the doctor one day and get good news--blood pressure is down! looking good! let's go back to just coming in once a week--and then the next morning get a call that said my bloodwork came back and my liver is looking wonky, and now I have to come in at least twice a week, plus tons of non-stress tests and ultrasounds and lab work. Your body will just tell us what to do the doctors tell me, they probably would like a game plan as much as I would but that isn't what we get. Tomorrow I am 34 weeks and this baby is looking damn fine if I do say so myself, so every day is another victory, another gift, and I try not to view my body as a ticking time bomb. I try not to be resentful of it.
Hey God. I will talk to you more when this all shakes out, OK? For now one of the things I can do is practice being grateful. I was texting with my younger sister, bemoaning my up-and-down body, and she just went on and on about how great it is that we even have tests that can show us things like liver enzymes and platelet counts. And I realized how right she is. There is so much to be grateful for. In the middle of the night, instead of mapping out an ever-changing future, I can just say thanks for all the concrete things that I do have. It makes me feel wise and spiritual and actually, truly thankful. Then I go back to sleep, and it is good.
Here are some things I have been reading as I try and take it easy:
And here are some things I have been watching (don't judge, OK?!!!)
also, the funniest YouTube video I have seen in a long, long time. SRSLY. just watch it. I could not stop snort-laughing (something I never did before I was pregnant, BTW).
And what I have been listening to (besides Carrie & Lowell and Danielson and Jose Gonzales Pandora)
So as you can tell, a lot of comfort food entertainment (srsly, ANTM just helps when you don't feel too great! All that drama to live through vicariously!). The books I am also reading a bit erratically, depending on my day. Also you would think one would get a lot of writing done on modified bed rest, but that proves difficult when your brain is a bit mushy with anxiety and the majority of your hours are spent trying to entertain a small human without resorting to tinkerbell movies every single day.
I know this isn't the end of the month or anything but feel free to share your recommendations of what you have been into/reading/watching/listening to . . . Insha'Allah I will have a few more weeks to go of this and I could always use more fodder!